Tik Porns! I don’t think it would be out of line for me to say that you and I are addicted to porn. I know I don’t mind saying it about myself. I’m a proud porn addict who gleefully spends his days choking the chicken and watching people fuck.
All We Have is Time
What else am I supposed to do with my time? Take up a hobby like cross-stitching or some shit? The idea of cross-stitching makes me want to kill myself and my neighbors in a tragic murder-suicide. That’s not the way I want to go out.
I could pick up a second job, but what’s going to be more rewarding than what I’m doing right now? It’s the perfect gig. I can’t go back to putting together widgets in a factory. I’ve been spoiled by years and years of professional porn watching, and watching porn at a busy factory could get me crushed by heavy machinery.
Perhaps I might start a family… NOT! What do I look like? A pussy cuck bitch? No whore is catching me with a kid. Do you know how much having a kid would cut into my masturbation time? I’d rather cut out one of my balls than make that sacrifice.
I could switch over to a different but equally lazy hobby like video games or scrolling through TikTok all god damn day, but that sounds even worse than spending all day watching porn. I would much rather people know I jerk off all day than play Grand Theft Auto 5 and thumb through dance challenges.
That’s not to say that shit like social media can’t be addictive. In fact, TikTok might be the most addictive social media platform yet invented. I would love to say I don’t have an account, but I do. Don’t worry, though. It’s not for the dances. It’s because plenty of sexy sluts use the medium to show off their young and perfect bodies.
Now the Chinese know more about my porn preferences than anyone else on Earth. Your move China. What do you plan on doing with all this information? Will you kidnap me and force me to write Chinese porn reviews all day for rice, beans, and a small tent in a public park? I suppose there are worse fates out there.
Tiktok alone is highly addictive. Porn alone is highly addictive. So guess what happens when you combine the two into one potent force. You create the speedballs of porn. It’s crack cocaine for your dick. You won’t be able to stop yourself from scrolling all fucking day long.
For those unaware of what TikTok is, it’s a video-sharing platform where people create short fifteen-second videos that are easily scrolled through with a flick of your thumb. The amount of videos you can watch in fifteen minutes is insane. And that fifteen minutes will zip by in what feels like a second.
As I said before, most TikTok videos are of shit like dancing and physical challenges such as flipping a water bottle so that it lands upright. It sounds simple and even stupid, but folks eat that shit right up at light speed.
Adicktive
Believe it or not, scientists have recognized its potency and begun to study why it sucks people in so deeply. Many compare it to the same brain patterns that make gambling so addictive. It’s all about random reinforcement. You never know when the next big win may come in, and consequently, you keep pulling the lever of that slot. TikTok works on the same principle but with a mixture of dull and entertaining videos.
Whatever. Rot my brain out, TikTok, as long as you still give me my sexy naked bitches. The problem with TikTok porn is that you have to be on the platform. Therefore you have to scroll past five shitty videos to get to one great porn clip. That’s what makes a website like Tikporns so great. They filter out all the garbage and only deliver the best in TikTok porn.
Since the app is so simple, Tikporns kept their site simple also. They want you to be able to scroll through porn in a similar manner. The number of naked bitches you can see in a fifteen-minute period is astronomical.
Your brain won’t know what the fuck to do with itself.
Much like TikTok, Tikporn is optimized for mobile use. Yes, you can use the desktop version, and it works just fine, but Tikporn was crafted for mobile, and it’s perfect for it. Next time you hit the office bathroom for a lunchtime beat-off break, sort through this shit. You won’t return to your desk till the next day. Your family will wonder what the fuck happened to you.
I find it’s also perfect for public use. Because you don’t have to dedicate yourself to watching an entire porn, you can flip through a few clips of gaping anal sex while in line for a roller coaster at an amusement park. Or you can get your fill sloppy throat fucking while filling your gas tank at the local gas station.
One of my favorite times to use Tikporn is while consuming other forms of entertainment. Is the romantic comedy your wife so desperately wanted to watch boring the unholy shit out of you? Why not watch a couple of bitches eat each other out on a public bus. Nothing livens up a couple of episodes of “It’s Always Sunny in Philidelphia” like a woman getting her pussy fisted by an Albanian midget.
Speaking of your wife, Tikporn and your family go together like peanut butter and jelly. Are you sick of listening to your wife nag about the dishwasher being full or your lack of loving attention for her? Oops, you just got a message from work you have to answer. But it’s not a message from work. It was Abella Danger with her mouth around a fat black cock as thick as both of her forearms combined.
The other day I had to attend a friend’s third wedding. Yes, you’re my friend, brother, but I’ve done this twice already. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Fool me three times, and I’m spending the reception watching three Amazonian-sized Latin bitches in French maid outfits shit directly into each other’s assholes.
This brings me to church. Tikporn was made for watching in church. It’s so easy to go from watching porn to switching over to a hymnal app. No one will know you’re secretly masturbating under your alter boy robe. No one but the priest, of course. Priests can smell an alter boy masturbating from several miles away.
The main menu is split into three sections, with two being on top and one being on the bottom. At the very top are the options All Tik tags, Premium videos, Download android app, a Search bar, and a link to the sexiest porn reviewer you know. The “premium videos” option includes a drop-down with Netpornix, Gratiszz, Mrporns, The Brazzers HD, and Adult porn- ask porn.
The second layer of menu options is just below the first and includes Views, Likes, Comments, and four popular tags: Premium, Ass, Big tits, and Tits.
Finally, at the bottom are five last options represented by symbols. They include Home, Notifications, Shuffle, Favorites, and account. You must be a member of the site to access all of those options except the home page.
Scroll Holes for Forever
The rest of the home page is taken up by sexy clips. Each thumbnail is a screenshot and plays the clip right there without taking you to a new screen. Included with the video is a title, the related tags, number of comments, number of favorites, number of times viewed, Share, Comment, and favorite.
Content on Tikporn runs the gambit genres. Some feature single ladies stripping down and jiggling their boobs. Others portray hardcore sex with all the trimmings. As I scroll, I see blow jobs, pussy licking, bean flicking, skirt lifting, tit flashing, toe sucking, kiss blowing, Asshole eating, and strap-on dildoing.
Some of the content is short clips from full-length videos. If you like it, you can often hunt down the full film from one of your favorite tube site. It’s a fast and easy way to find more porn to love.
TikTok is the perfect medium for shoving porn deep into your frontal lobe, where it produces increasing levels of dopamine until you can’t focus on basic tasks anymore. Who doesn’t want to spend a day porning themselves stupid?
My one suggestion for Tikporn is to lean into the convenience even further and make each video auto-play as you pass by it. Don’t make me get lotion on my phone whenever I hit the play button.
I bet you’ve already started scrolling while finishing this article. Good man. Enjoy your new addiction.