Fanatics on the sidewalk often approach me, saying, “Hello, Mr. Dude. I’m a huge fan of yours. Would you be willing to autograph my Special edition Kimmy Granger Fleshlight? … Aww, thank you kindly. You’re the ultimate alpha male. Hey, I have a question for you. You analyze so many porn websites. Do you have a favorite genre?” That’s a tough goddamn question. It’s one I can’t answer quickly as we pass by each other on the street. So instead, I think it would be most beneficial to attack the question in an article that features one of my top fives.
Personal Favorites
Let’s start off with a couple of simple examples. First, I’m a tremendous fan of anything that involves oil and lube. In general, I get my oil porn from Nuru massage, oil wrestling, and anything that comes out of Lubed Studios. When you combine a thin layer of lube on the skin with the insane quality of modern cameras, the results are magnificent. Every tiny nook and cranny of a bitches body is displayed for all to see. Every millimeter of breast, ass, and gash pops off the screen like a magic eye picture. It makes the cum in my balls froth with anticipation.
When you incorporate oil with the harmless teasing of a massage therapist, we all know what happens next. You end up with something magical. Something entrancing. Something that exceeds its constituent pieces and blooms into a frenzy of pocket pool and rope slinging. You can’t get much better than that shit.
Organic Fresh-Squeezed Grass-Fed 18+ Teen Pussy
If you want to take this party up another notch, make sure those lubed-up cunts are fresh teens. Most bitches I pass on the street day to day I’d rather not see naked and lubed up. Oil accentuates the copious flaws most women harbor. Do you know who doesn’t carry those flaws? Teens.
The passage of time hasn’t had the chance to destroy their magnificence and substitute it with creases, cellulite, and sag. These bitches are fresh off the factory floor. They’ve been constructed, waxed, polished, and delivered to our retinas so we may beat our meats to them. There isn’t much other reason for them to exist. Otherwise, they’re mindless, irritating life vampires who aren’t worth your time and money. Thank goodness they are so sexy; otherwise, we would probably kill them all off.
Let’s crank this shin-dig up a level. Everyone adores hentai, but not everyone adores the hentai I do. Watching cartoon porn with a plot similar to the shit you see in regular live-action content is a waste of energy. If I want to watch missionary sex, I’ll pull up the real thing, not an animated portrayal. If I’ve got hentai on, it’s playing some crazy ass shit that can never be duplicated in real life due to the constraints of physics and the human body.
Yes, that means I’m here for the tentacle fucking, but that’s not the only wild shit hentai gets up to. Hentai gets way worse than a bit of squid on human boning. I fucking love the cutaway scenes where they slice a cross-section out of a bitch’s guts to show how deep the dick is going into her body. You can’t get such an incredible view of a real woman.
Clothing is a big part of porn. There are a few different clothing styles that get my jimmies all twisted up: mini skirts, micro-bikinis, and rave wear. They are all I used to think about as a young man.
Many guys are unaware of the appeal that rave wear and have. It rarely covers more than ten percent of the body. Generally, it’s neon-colored, covered in glow sticks, and emphasizes the ass and titties.
Fucking in Public
One genre of porn that features those outfits heavily is often referred to as public exhibitionism, which brings me to r/PublicNudity. Anyone alive for the heyday of Girls Gone Wild is familiar with the concept and allure of public nudity. Party sluts all share one ubiquitous characteristic. They all want to have the vaginas fucked right out of their bodies, and they all broadcast the urge by displaying their near-nude bodies in public for all to see.
Girls Gone Wild concentrated on college parties, spring break, and sorority sisters, but these days that’s just the beginning. Bitches have gotten much more perverted since the days of Girls Gone Wild, and what they are willing to do in front of the masses has gotten downright obscene. What a fabulous time to be alive.
A perfect place to get your fix of public nudity is r/PublicNudity. These guys are like Girls Gone Wild on crack. Not only is the service more refined, but the modern woman is far more willing to show off her coochie. The days of wet t-shirt contests have given way to an age of wet pussy contests. Please consider me judge, jury, and executioner. By execution, I do mean repetitive impalement on my cock.
You won’t find much classic Girls Gone Wild content on r/PublicNudity, but that’s only because it can’t compete. Spring break tits are nice but not as nice as the post “Watching the Neighbors Go By.” I never saw a bitch on GGW getting fucked on a sixth-floor balcony while traffic and pedestrians pass by below.
I have to call out the stunt cock in this clip, though. He appears to be holding a nicotine vape of some variety. Come to the fuck on, man. You can’t grab tits with an Elf Bar in your mitts. You can’t put the thing down long enough to fuck? That must be indicative of a problem. The only thing in my hands when I’m fucking are clits, tits, and whips.
Nude Beaches and Resorts
There are also a lot of nude beach and nude resort pictures. Some people just love being naked and want to spend as much of their time in the buff as they can manage. I appreciate that. I appreciate that a lot. It keeps my penis and I in close contact, if you catch my drift.
Not sure if you guys have had the pleasure of visiting a nude resort, but I don’t recommend it. I go all the time, but women love being naked around me. They can’t help it.
However, bitches will smell the beta bitch on you from a mile away. When they see you coming, ladies will put their bras back on and clear a path for you. Plus, it’s uncouth to be hard the entire time, and you guys won’t be able to stop your erections.
Boob trades are another common theme on r/PublicNudity. I was a bartender in a past life, and one of the best perks of the gig is when bitches run out of money and offer to show you their tits in exchange for a vodka soda.
I always accommodated my guests when they made this request. The customer is always right, after all. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s night. And the thing is bitches that made the offer always had grade-A tits. They knew the power hidden under their crop top. Bitches with great tits don’t even need money. Their nipples are an ATM.
Rave Whores
Of course, there are plenty of the previously mentioned festival sluts on r/PublicNudity, also.
r/PublicNudity adds some fun zing to the porn you may traditionally watch. Risk and sex go hand in hand, like peanut butter and jelly. Some of my best orgasms happened in high-risk locations.
My only complaint about r/PublicNudity has nothing to do with the subreddit. Unfortunately, Imgur recently decided to stop hosting adult images. Being the primary image hosting service for Reddit, dead posts are floating around the place right now.
It’s always a good time to get naked. If you don’t believe me, just ask one of the ladies on r/PublicNudity.