What do you suppose PornDude Shop has for sale? Is it unlicensed dildos modeled after my schlong, as seen on PornDudeCasting? Perhaps it’s the proprietary blend of herbs, spices, and household chemicals I’ve been developing in my kitchen as an alternative to Viagra or a mass-produced version of the homemade hump machine I built out in the garage. Well, I’m sorry to break it to you folks, but my team of high-powered lawyers already vetoed most of those ideas. So what you’ll find instead is arguably a safer bunch of knickknacks and doodads, all emblazoned with the handsome mug you’ve come to love over the years: my own.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen and absolute perverts, the Porn Dude Shop (dot com) is the one and only place to score officially licensed PornDude merch. I’d been thinking of launching a little shop for a while, and now seemed like the perfect time, especially with all the attention I’ve been getting lately over at PornDudeCasting. In fact, if you’ve been watching and playing along at home, you may already recognize some of the gear I’m hawking. If not, hey, I’ve got some really great casting porn to tell you about. Whatever the case, even if it’s your very first time hearing about me and my various sexual endeavors, I bet I’ve got some shit that’ll make you look and feel like a million bucks. Let’s take a look.
An Unbiased Look at My Awesomeness
Look, I know what you’re already thinking. I’ve always prided myself here at ThePornDude on my unbiased reviews of the best (and worst) adult sites on the Internet, from the free lesbian tubes to the tentacle hentai libraries to the premium teen porn paysite networks. You’re probably wondering how I intend to be unbiased when I’m reviewing my own product, complete with my own face stamped all over your feet, your boobs, your junk, or the place you rest your face at night. And to be entirely honest, there’s no way to avoid that bias.
Sometimes, though, it’s definitely alright to toot your own horn. So if you’re just joining the party and missed the earlier festivities, allow me to humblebrag about all the world-class hotties I’ve been banging over on the PornDudeCasting couch as of late. In the past couple of weeks alone, I’ve smashed Gia Derza and Gianna Dior, two of the world’s most popular pornstars, who you’ve probably cranked off to before. I’ve also banged big names like Natasha Nice and Lauren Phillips and even gave legendary MILF Katie Morgan her first onscreen dick up the ass.
However, even before I was fucking my way through the world’s most beautiful women, I’d made a name for myself as the world’s preeminent porn reviewer. Some of you have been seeing me for years in your pornographic travels, on your way to new and fantastic celebrity nude blogs, sex cartoon collections, interracial anal sites, or whatever it is that gets you all hard and drippy. I get hit up regularly by different news outlets, from Hustler to Wired to MelMagazine, asking my scholarly opinion on all things pornographic.
My point is, I know I’m fucking awesome, and so do you. I wouldn’t have started the PornDude Shop if you guys hadn’t been asking for years to have my face on a t-shirt. I’ve done even better, though. Instead of just giving you an opportunity to have a PornDude on your chest, PornDudeShop carries a variety of licensed merch, from clothing to mugs to pillows, iPhone cases, and stickers. I’ve got some more things up my sleeve and in the works, too, but you’ll just have to keep stopping by to see.
Rocking Porn Dude Gear All Day and All Night
Let’s get more specific about that gear, shall we? I sell stuff on PornDudeShop that you can use throughout your whole day. And if you don’t sleep naked, you can keep your nighttime boner tucked safely in a pair of Porn Dude Island Boxer Briefs and your head resting on an official Porn Dude Casting Pillow. (Yes, that’s the same one you see on set, although yours will arrive brand new. Sorry, but pornstar pussy juice is unavailable on the home model.)
After you wake up, rub the sleep out of your eyes and the sperm out of your ding-dong, you can wash down your erectile enhancement pills with some coffee straight out of an official Dude Island Mug. That’s the same pervert paradise you see at the bottom of ThePornDude.com, and it looks pretty fucking sharp wrapped around your morning cup of Joe. There are also a few other mugs available from the Porn Dude Shop, so you can enjoy my face with drinks at every meal. They also hold sperm well.
Once you’re adequately caffeinated and your dick is working at full capacity, it’s time to get dressed for the day. I’ve got half a dozen different PornDude t-shirt designs to choose from on PornDudeShop.com, from the aforementioned Porn Dude Island to a few other Porn Dude poses to a simple yet classy logo across the titty area. And if it’s chilly where you live, you could always cop a hoodie with the same kickass graphics.
Oh, and don’t forget the socks! Wearing shoes without socks is a good way to get those Nikes smelling like a rancid gymnasium of the dead, but the official Porn Dude Emoji Socks will keep your feet fresh, clean, and dry just as long as you’re changing them daily like anyone with decent hygiene. These are literally the same exact socks I wear when I’m humping pornstars on PornDudeCasting! I’m not saying you’ll be getting higher-caliber pussy if you start rocking these, but they’re definitely a few steps up from those off-brand Fruit-of-the-Loom knockoffs you bought off Wish.
You could also lug my image around with you everywhere you go with one of the phone cases I’ve got for sale in the Porn Dude Shop. I’ve got them available for iPhones and Samsung Galaxies right now, but that could change. Well, if I don’t have one for your current phone, no worries because you could always buy an official Porn Dude sticker and use it to customize your flip phone or whatever. They also look good on Fleshlights, bongs, guitars, windowless vans, and pretty much anything else with a flat surface available for sticking.
My Face to Your Door, Cheap!
How much would you expect to pay for a Porn Dude pillow, a Dude Island mug, or an official Porn Dude Casting Pillow? A hundred bucks? A thousand dollars? A million bones? I’m just fucking with you. Of course, we aren’t exactly the dollar store, but the prices you’ll find on PornDudeShop.com aren’t going to break the bank. Hell, for less than what you’d pay for a month at a paysite, you can walk around with my face on your feet. And since the socks arrive new, you won’t even have to squish around in my sperm, as I sometimes do between laundry days.
It’s also worth mentioning that the horny little elves who run the Porn Dude Shop will ship the goods anywhere in the world. That may change in the future, but so far, we haven’t been banned or outlawed by any of the prudish countries who give me shit about ThePornDude. So unless something changes, you can order my socks, boxers, pillows, and everything else, no matter what corner of the globe you usually do your jerking off.
In the interest of trying to be unbiased, I did look for some shit to complain about as I perused PornDudeShop.com for this review. And really, my only potential beef is that the selection could be a little wider. I mean, I don’t have those Porn Dude dildos available yet, but I have taken some casts of my cock, so we’ll see what happens with that. (The lawyers have given me a pretty solid “No” on the proprietary boner pills, rectal vodka syringes, and cock-stretching pulley systems, though.) Still, if there’s something you’d like to see available in the Porn Dude Shop, hit me up, and I’ll see what I can do.
Some people think my job is just a few extra minutes of masturbation every day, but I’m a busy motherfucker. I barely have time for any recreational bishop flogging between reviewing new porn sites daily, shooting weekly videos for PornDudeCasting, and designing merch for PornDudeShop.com. It’s all worth it in the end because I know my fans are happy as they beat off to their favorite smut, the porno that I’ve helped them find or maybe even starred in. If you’ve ever wanted to throw some support back my way or just let the world know what amazing taste you have, imagine how good you’d look in some of this official gear.