Massage Planet! When I get done slapping my meat stick, my thoughts often meander over to my fans. I feel bad for you, poor beta bastards. Not because you fucks never bone chicks or because your such a miserable and lonely chap, although those things ring true. It’s because you’ll never know what it’s like to be me playing pocket pool. I am a master of masturbation.
The Jerking Giant
My name is The Porndude, for fucks sake. How good do you think I am at masturbating? I’m the goddamn best. No one knows how to massage their twig and berries better than I do. You guys already know that I still fuck sluts every day, but honestly, my hand feels better than most pussies. It certainly doesn’t look as sexy as a tight-bodied whore, but it functions better than any gash ever could.
If I gave you guys one handjob, you’d all spend the rest of your lives following me around, pleading for a second. I’m sorry, guys. I hate to break it to you, but you’re never getting a hand job from me. This hand is going to the grave, having only touched one penis. Mine.
However, there is a way you can receive an old-fashioned hand job that’s almost as superb as mine. The only thing is, you’ll have to get far more comfortable with yourself than you are now. I know self-knowledge is not in my fan’s wheelhouse. You fucks all live in the imaginary world of your choosing. It’s time to join the real world and get a happy ending from a talented full-service masseuse.
Who Does it Best?
I have an honesty test for you. It’s not about your honesty to me, your family, friends, or humanity at large. It tests your honesty to yourself. What are the first things that come to mind when you think of erotic massages? Give yourself a second to create a small list.
Have it figured out? Did you say Asians? If you said no, congrats on still being a loser. It’s no shock that you guys are masters of self-deceit. The only reason my fans are capable of getting out of bed in the morning is due to an elaborate construct of lies they tell themselves. Otherwise, the crushing depth of your own inadequacy would be too much for you to handle.
The fact is, no one treats a cock as well as Asian bitches. Massage Planet is your source for local full-service massage specialists. They have a flock of fuckable Asian whores ready to explore your underground and make you cum. It doesn’t matter if you prefer a whore from the Middle Kingdom or like to venture deeper toward Korean, Thai, and Japanese sluts. You’ll find an incredible full-service masseuse or Massage Planet.
Asian bitches on Massage Planet are known for their unwavering devotion to the penis and deliciously erotic skill set. They have a certain naive appeal that can disarm any dick. The light caramel or porcelain skin tone, almond eyes, and trim bodies are enough to drive anyone to the brink of orgasm. You’ll want to explore every nook and cranny of these bitches pussies with a microscope and telescope.
If you’re the type who likes women who can join you in erecting a tent, you’ll love Massage Planet’s selection of Asian massage therapists. Your tent will be fully erect. One look at these cunt’s soft hands, and you’ll pull your dick in no time flat.
Not Your Grandmas Newspaper Classifieds
You’ll find your ideal rub and tug match on Massage Planet. Massage Planet is an online classifieds site focused exclusively on full-service Asian massage. Now you won’t have to feel racist for ignoring all the white bitches ads on a less focused site.
Asianladies will look very familiar to my readers. It’s basically a massage ad tube site. You can scroll along just like you would on Redtube or Youporn. But, instead of only seeing the cunts, you can visit them.
Before we get to what makes Massage Planet the incredible full-service massage site it is, I have to talk about the design. It’s pretty fucking chaotic. Imagine if Las Vegas and Tokyo had a baby, and that baby went on to design neon signs and build porn sites. That’s what the place looks like.
Design
The top of the front page is packed with flashy ads displaying all the different ladies willing to jerk you off for a few bucks. It reminds me of scammy online gambling sites trying to steal your bank info. Fortunately, this is an aesthetic decision for Massage Planet and not one meant to steal your ID. Massage Planet is fully aware you fucks don’t have money to steal.
The main menu resides up top and contains the options Home, Forums, What’re new, Classifieds, 411, Groups, Awards, Confessions, Ads Manager, Log in, Reg411, Customize the Layout, and Light mode.
“What’s new” is a drop-down menu with the options New posts, New articles, New article comments, New classifieds, and Latest activity.
If you would like to try your hand at dressing like an Asian bitch and jerking dudes off, you can create your own ad on Massage Planet. Ads manager is a drop-down menu with the options You ads, Your invoices, and Create ad.
Creating ads is fast and easy and sure to bring you customers. Well, not you in particular, but actual Asian massage therapists for sure.
For the younger crew, “the 4-1-1” used to mean “the latest news.” As such, 411 includes the options for New articles, New comments, and Series.
Registering for an account on Massage Planet takes no time at all. First, select a username and password. Then, enter your date of birth, location, and the type of massage you prefer. Your options are Shiatsu, Swedish, Reflexology, Reiki, Acupuncture, Hot stone, Thai massage, and Sport massage.
I’m sure you noticed that hand job isn’t part of the list. Massage Planet can’t make their true intentions too obvious, less The Man comes and tries to shut it down. The Man hates fun, and he never cums unless great suffering is involved.
Below the main menu are some currently featured ads on Massage Planet. It includes such hand job geniuses as Forever Spa, Purple List, Soul Relax Spa, Aroma Spa, Sparkling Spa, Top Day Spa, and Green Creek.
To the right of the featured sites is a tag cloud with shit like Asian, Available, Deep tissue, Full body, Mobile, Relaxation, and RMT.
Below the featured sites are rows of standard ads that seem to go on forever. Many include flash animation, and all are brightly colored.
However, it does stop eventually and leads into the shoutbox. This is where advertisers can keep Massage Planet users up to date on all the latest news.
For example, Spring Green has five girls on today. Everyone loves options. My Little House is rocking three ladies today: Kitty, Kandy, and Amy. Massage 555 has Punjabi lovelies on duty.
Another layer down is all the latest posts. This includes ads for massage parlors and requests from users. Such requests include looking for ebony sluts, and somebody asking if trump supporters already blew their load. Not sure why anyone would ask a bunch of horny betas on Massage Planet that question, but hey. It takes all kinds.
That brings us to Massage Planet chat. How lonely do you have to be to chat on a full-service massage parlor website? That’s a new low. This isn’t fucking FaceBook or IG. It’s basically an escort site. Please meet friends elsewhere in life.
Educate Yourself
Up next is the Massage Planet blog. If you’ve never been to a full-service massage parlor, the blog is an excellent place to familiarize yourself. You don’t want to say the wrong thing or make incorrect assumptions. Let fellow Massage Planet members guide you in your journey to cum in an Asian bitch’s hands.
The extensive front page continues with a list of Massage Planet reviews. As you can imagine, almost everyone has good things to say about the place. It’s hard to argue with the results. When your balls are fully drained, what is there to complain about?
Finally, the last section of the Massage Planet front page is dedicated to the latest classifieds. If you frequent the site, this is the first thing you look up. I’d hate to see you fall behind and miss out on the freshest sluts.
It’s unlikely you guys will ever convince a woman to fuck you. You’ll have to pay if you want to get your dick jerked. Massage Planet is packed with inexpensive massage therapists ready to stroke you into paradise.
My only complaint about Massage Planet is all the flashy ads. It looks like shit and will probably give sensitive readers a fucking headache.
The perfect time to get jerked off is always now, so hop on Massage Planet this instant.