Ever considered having an Escorts Affair? Porn has really been helping me get through this social distancing shit, but I have to admit, I miss sticking my ding-dong into an actual ho-ho instead of just filling another snack cake with my own cream filling. My barrel of lube is running pretty low, too, which is probably why I’ve been spending time browsing sites like EscortsAffair. In case you can’t guess from the name, it’s a massive escort directory with listings around the world.
The pandemic certainly hasn’t exactly been great for hookers. Hell, even Tinder’s been taking a hit since all that local herpes now comes with a potential side of the ‘rona. That’s one of the reasons why the traffic over at EscortsAffair.com is so damn interesting. The site has been growing steadily since its inception, which happened right before somebody ate tainted bat stew and changed everything. Over the last few weeks, they’ve had a massive spike in traffic; they’re pulling over 4,000 visits a month right now, with a trajectory going almost straight up. Either they have something really special to offer or people are just fucking sick of staying home and waiting for their virginity to grow back.
Wholesome Non-Prostitutes Who Eat Cock
You’ll get a CYA legalese warning screen when you first load up the site, as you will on most escort sites. It says they take a strong stand against sex trafficking and child exploitation, as they should, but also gives a blanket statement that they’ve always been against illegal prostitution. If you’re here to get down with some illegal fun, they say, you need to GTFO. The text at the bottom of the front page doubles down on that notion, stating, “First, note that clients and escorts spend time together in exchange for payment — not sex or anything — just time only.”
Right. Fortunately, by some wild coincidence, most of these chicks just happen to be the kind of girls who fuck the guys they hang out with for money. As a well-respected international expert on these things, I can assure you an escort site wouldn’t be getting this kind of traffic if the babes weren’t putting out.
The job, then, is to find those babes who are putting out on EscortsAffair. The site’s got a really no-frills layout, with the same kind of country/state/city breakdown you’ll find on a lot of escort sites. They’ve got extensive listings across the US, Canada, UK, New Zeland, India, Indonesia, Japan, Korea, Malaysia, the Phillipines, Singapore, Thailand and Vietnam. I guess you’ll have to look elsewhere if you’re looking for some Mexican poon, jungle fever straight out of Africa or some Middle Eastern harem action.
It does look like they have all the major cities covered in the countries where Escorts Affair is active. There are hundreds on the list, from Chicago to Calgary to Kuala Lumpur to Phuket. It looks like somebody’s getting laid tonight!
Tons of Sluts in Your City
Chicago’s got a population of nearly 3 million, so I figured it was a good place to start for my search for a hooker at Escorts Affair. Phew. The front page is plain, but that plainness dissolves into straight-up ugliness once you get deeper if you’re looking at the site with your laptop. Goddamn. It seems like it’s been optimized for mobile, with no consideration at all given to those Johns at work trying to figure out what they’re going to do after work.
…and then, I turned off my ad blocker and refreshed the page. The layout actually cleans up with AdBlock Plus turned off. Not only that, but I realized I’d been viewing a severely crippled and basically broken version of the site through my spam plugin. It makes such a huge difference that I had to edit the fuck out of my review after thinking I was nearly done. Anti-spam plugins seem to break Escorts Affair.
I had a whole passage written about how the search engine is useless because it kept spitting back a seemingly random page of results for anything: blonde, ebony, BBW or fetish; it didn’t matter. For whatever reason, the search feature doesn’t work if you’re viewing EscortsAffair through a spam filter. I think it’s sponsored posts overwhelming the normal ones.
Speaking of filters, that search bar is the only way you can filter your results. Some escort sites will let you check a bunch of boxes to narrow your results down to the teenage brunettes over 6’ with D cups offering the GFE and blowjobs. Here, you either type something into the box or you scroll through page after page of listings if you’re in a major metropolitan area.
The 2-line descriptions are full of all-caps yelling, emojis and sheer goddamn gibberish. NEW FACE! LET YOUR BODY BE FREE – Sweet Asian Girl *** Come to you *** Hi gentlemen, my name is Jessica TOP SERVICE!!! If you’ve missed the schizophrenic prostitute listings of Craiglist since they tried to go family-friendly, welcome home!
The young 18+ brunette at the very top of the Chicago listings offered “Hot PSE with no restrictions,” complete with a peach, eggplant and squirt emoji. According to her little blurb there, she’s READY TO DO WHAT YOUR GF OR WIFE WON’T. Next time your old lady says she’s not going to change your oil and rotate your tires, show her this little hottie in the pink bra.
Fake Profiles and Real Ones, Too
I’ve been bamboozled. I clicked that pretty chick’s thumbnail to go to her profile page. Most of her info is left blank; she’s got no eye color, hair color, height or age according to the stats. It does list her Bust as a C cup. The pictures are clearly a bunch of different broads, including a blonde MILF and a cute mixed chick.
She’s got no contact info listed, either. Her blurb about how she’s a real girl with needs, not an escort or timekeeper, ends with a link screaming at me to HOOK UP WITH REAL HOT GIRLS. It leads to some site hawking an “alternative to escorts,” but you’ve got to sign up to figure out what they’re really about.
When the first listing you look at is fake, it doesn’t bode well for the escort site. Thankfully, the next girl I looked at seemed legit. Julie is a 420-friendly babe with a wet pussy and a huge rack available for incall and outcall. EscortsAffair.com may open with a big warning about how they don’t allow illegal shit, but this lovely 32-year-old lists her services in detail. Yes, this is a prostitute directory where the girls often list their sexual services in plain English.
It’s up to the girls to decide how much detail to include in their profiles. Most of the chicks I considered smashing didn’t list their exact rates, though EscortsAffair does provide them the option. The About Me section is usually where they hype up their services and drum up business, and the visuals sure help, too.
Take a Look Before You Buy
EscortsAffair.com lets escorts post a ton of pictures, with faces and explicit sex allowed. They’ve even got video, though only a few of the escorts I checked out had any. That’s a contrast from the escort sites where the girls only get clean lingerie shots with all the faces blurred out. That’s how you end up paying a snaggle-toothed bitch with a nice rack to toss your salad for a while.
When I was viewing the site earlier and my spam-blocker fucked it up, I kept getting listings without any contact info. I signed up thinking I needed to, but that wasn’t the case. The broken version of the site mixes the sponsored posts, normally at the side, in with the rest. The sponsored posts are more likely to have that fake shit I encountered earlier. The real chicks, which are much easier to find without a spam blocker, have their contact info listed. You don’t need to sign up or register to get a babe’s digits or email address.
I was ready to shit all over EscortsAffair.com, but it turned out AdBlock Plus was just ruining my experience with the site. I’ve never had that happen before, but the site is fucking unusable if you’re trying to block ads. Thankfully, they don’t hit you with any intrusive spam when you let down your defenses. Escorts Affair has listings around the world and doesn’t cost anything to browse, so it can’t hurt to see if there are any ready, willing and sexy babes who might suck you off tonight.