I thought Dirty League would be a new sports-themed porn paysite with famous pornstars taking on whole football teams at a time. That got my mind racing and my dick hard before I could even click the link, which is not to say I was disappointed by what I found. While it isn’t a bunch of big-name bitches taking on big cock by the bunch, it will keep your boner engorged and your hands busy all day. Oh, and that titular dirty league they’re talking about? You’ll be building that yourself.
DirtyLeague.com is a free-to-play, tile-matching game made for horny grownups. While your mom and sister might be playing Candy Crush or Bejeweled all day, we men have more important things to do, like masturbate. This game aims to combine the two joys in one unified package, so you can line up gemstones with one hand while your other hand enjoys the naked ladies all over the screen. It’s been exploding in popularity over the last couple of months, the traffic nearly tripling to the tune of three million visitors a month. That’s a lot of horny gamers, which tells me it might be worth a bit of my time and share of my lube.
Start Your Own Dirty League
“The floating brothel has approached the harbour!” shouts the glowing blonde chick floating along the side of the DirtyLeague intro screen. “It’s your chance, hero,” she says. “Have a great fun with the bitches and expand your collection!” Well, the English is a little wonky, sure, but I can tell right from the jump that they’ve filled the game with high-quality art worth shaking your dick at. As the chick floats up and down, her boobs slowly and smoothly bounce along for the ride. It’s somewhat supernatural and super sexy.
Like many better porn games out there, you’ll have a guide that walks you through the basics. Blondie here is your liaison, so she’ll teach you how to unlock rooms in the floating brothel. “The more rooms are unlocked, the more new bitches are available,” she says. A few seconds later, I was fighting some dude, and by fighting some dude, I mean I was lining up colored gems.
The basic gameplay of DirtyLeague is going to be fucking familiar if you’ve ever played a tile-matching game, which means it’s going to be familiar to pretty much anybody who’s been on the internet for more than a few days. Fuck, even old ladies know these games. You’ll click gemstones to move them, and you get points for lining up three or more. Been there, done that.
Of course, Dirty League is aimed at masturbators—masturbating men, to be more precise. If there’s one thing guys have got to have in a video game, it’s violence. DirtyLeague does this by giving you an opponent who will be taking turns with you on the whole tile-matching thing. That gives the points you earn a lot more weight because they power up your attacks. If you let that other motherfucker line up too many gems, he’s going to kill you while you’re staring at the titties.
Build a Sexy Deck and Fight
If you’ve played any of the more polished porn games I’ve reviewed here at ThePornDude or over at BestPornGames, you already know the drill: unless you’re an absolute fucktard, the first battle’s always a freebie. For one thing, little arrows point out the best moves you can make. For another, the dude you’re fighting has a deck even weaker than yours. That means his attacks suck, and you’ll trounce him in a few seconds.
I mentioned in the intro that DirtyLeague.com is free to play. That always means there will be optional purchases at some point, whether we’re talking about the clean iPhone game your nephew plays at dinner or a filthy interactive fuck fest that you can only play behind closed doors or on the subway. The big question is when they’re going to start hitting you up for cash.
Some games will get you hooked on the gameplay before trying to sell you something for real money. Not so with Dirty League. After that very first battle, they tried to sell me a Brothelboat package for ten bucks. That’s supposedly 90% off, but I don’t even know what the included items do yet. A naked babe swinging a sword is included, or I can buy one of the a la carte topless chicks along the edge of the screen.
I wasn’t ready to get into that yet. Besides, I always want to see how far I can get in a free-to-play game without paying. Some games make it impossible to progress after a certain point if you’re not buying in with cash, and I try to steer my visitors away from that scammy shit. I went back to fight the pirate guy a few more times with that in mind. (Enemies in DirtyLeague.com need to be defeated a couple of times before you can move on.)
Cheaper Than Crack and Your Dick Stays Hard
It isn’t any secret that your old friend ThePornDude is a busy-ass pervert. When I’m not fap-testing adult sites, services, and games here, I’m banging pornstars over at PornDudeCasting. I’ve got a lot on my plate. That’s why I’m kind of embarrassed to talk about how much time I wasted playing DirtyLeague today. It turns out, the gameplay really is engaging and addictive as hell. Now I understand that spiking traffic.
The addictive nature of Dirty League boils down to a few elements. First, the game’s basic mechanics are easy to learn, and the learning curve is set just right that you’re only annoyed enough to keep playing. They also dole out the powerups and upgrades at a steady pace. As a result, you quickly get a sense of the battles to take on and when to go back to your deck and start fucking with things.
Let’s get back into the gameplay a bit because that’s the real meat of this sex and gemstones sandwich. I like how fast it is: once you make your first gem swap, you’ve only got a few seconds to land your next ones. It encourages you to study the board for a moment before blasting off. Sometimes, I was a little slow or clumsy with the mouse, so I could see how DirtyLeague.com might play easier on a mobile device where you can just slide a gem with your finger.
The gameplay itself is enough to hook fans of tile games, but there’s an added incentive for perverts. The whole time you’re matching up gems, you’re leveling up the brothel of superpowered sluts you’re building. When the points add up and the girls attack, you end up seeing a bunch of sex and masturbation animations during the course of a single battle.
Another big selling point for Dirty League is that the in-app purchases really do seem to be optional. They’re a little aggressive with the sales screens, but that isn’t unusual. What’s important is that I never felt like I was stuck if I didn’t pull out my wallet. Whenever I ran into a wall and couldn’t beat an opponent, I’d just go to a different section of the game and fight somebody else. It’s a pretty clean cycle of fighting and upgrading, fighting and upgrading, with a lot of shaking titties along the way.
That’s the strategy I used to beat that pirate guy eventually. The first battle may have been easy, but he started whooping my ass before I could get five victories against him. I went to the dungeon and then to the tower, fighting a bunch of enemies and unlocking some new sluts along the way. I’d periodically head back to the pirate dude and scrap it out until I couldn’t, until the moment I finally could.
DirtyLeague.com is a pretty damn easy recommendation if you’re looking for a fast-paced tile game with pornographic elements. The gameplay is stellar, and the artwork is good enough to keep you aroused and interested in unlocking more of the game’s content. The only potential downside I can see is if you’re a sucker for gacha because that shit can always get expensive in a free-to-play game. That said, the cheapskates who never pay for their games will enjoy this one just as much as the paying folks.