AdultPornSites! Pretty soon, the age-old question ‘are there more stars in the sky or sand grains on earth?’ will have to be revised. In its place will be the question ‘are there more stars in the sky or porn websites on the internet?’ Every passing day, the night sky seems smaller and smaller compared to the grand abyss of online porn.
Estimates on how much of the internet is porn vary wildly. Studies have shown it’s somewhere between four percent and sixty percent. It seems to be based on how you calculate the numbers. If you ask what percent of websites are porn, you get low-end numbers. If you ask how much of the information on the internet is porn, you get a high-end number.
Regardless, the moral of the story is that there is a barely calculable amount of porn in the digital space. It’s terrific to be involved in a growth industry. I would even say that porn will always be a growth industry. As long as the population goes up, so will the number of people watching naked people.
Rookie Numbers
On average, people worldwide watch fifteen minutes of porn a day. That’s enough for a busy man to crank out his goo and get along with his agenda. It’s nothing compared to my marathon sessions, of course. If I were to stop masturbating, the global average would plummet two minutes. I’m watching shit twenty-five hours a day, eight days a week.
I wade through the swamps of smut in that time, plucking out the ripest porn from the mud pits. It would take you fucks hours to find just one decent porn site. Unfortunately, you don’t have that kind of time, so I’m here for you.
Anytime a great name brand product comes out, motherfuckers are quick to make cheap generic rip-offs. We all know how it works. That Pepto abysmal will turn your mild case of diarrhea into full-blown anal Mount Vesuvius. Those Mold Navy jeans will fall apart the moment you walk into your family reunion. Your Macro hard computer will burst into flames the moment you finish typing “boobs” into a Google search.
This is precisely what has been happening to The PornDude. Less skilled and dedicated fucks are trying to swipe my style, but fortunately for me, they are failing miserably. People don’t realize how much time goes into finding sites and adequately reviewing them. You can’t just stumble into this shit willy-nilly. You have to be willing to go that extra mile to ensure your service is up to snuff.
What do you do when bitches roll onto your territory? Well, you keep running a superb service, so people know the genuine article. Masturbators know quality when they see it. The secret’s in the sauce, and when they spray it forth from their cocks they know they found the real Mckoy. Plus, you talk a little shit also because that’s your job anyway.
Adultpornlist has tried its best to become the next PornDude, but it’s not working out for them. While they stole my boxy website lists, I’ll give them that they at least tried to change the aesthetic. But, unfortunately, they changed it to a plain grey background. How fucking boring. You can’t excite people with gunmetal grey. It looks like a submarine’s control panel.
Adultpornlist attempted to create a fun mascot, but their raccoon has nothing on my graven image. Have you watched my casting show? Could you imagine a raccoon fucking those young coeds? Hell no. Only The PornDude goes balls deep in the name of research. Raccoons literally dig through garbage. You have to do better than that.
They attempt to outline their mission at the bottom of the page. They do not mention that their goal is to rob our style, but that’s understandable. I wouldn’t want to advertise that either.
They also connect with their fans by using social media, but it’s a half-assed attempt as not even their Facebook profile is filled out or active. They even try to convince you that some sexy blonde bitch named Angela is running the show. I’m sorry to disappoint, but whoever is running this site is the opposite of a sexy blonde. It’s some dude living in the utility sink of his Mom’s basement. Besides, I wouldn’t even want porn site suggestions from a woman. She doesn’t know the burdens of carrying around a penis.
I’ll give them credit for coming up with different lists than we did since most sites don’t bother doing research. The problem is that the websites they chose fucking suck. And I’m not saying this in spite, so to prove it, let’s take a tour.
How do you Fuck That Up?
I will select the Porn tube list because that should be the easiest to fill in. Or at least you would think so. In the number five position is Tubeflixxx. And guess what? It’s not even an actual website. It goes nowhere. How do you fuck that up so bad? Tubes are the most popular variant of porn sites. So basically, the fifth most popular site on Adultpornlist isn’t real.
In the fourth slot is Cumflixx, and it too is not a real fucking website. Come on, Adultpornlist, this is just embarrassing. There are a million and one tube sites out in the world, and you can’t find one that works? I bite my thumb at you, sir.
In third place is xBubis, and I’ll give them two points for being an actual website. Sadly, the bar has to be set too low, but here we are. While the site functions, it doesn’t work particularly well. Random videos in the archive will play, but none of the recently added content will. Adultpornlist is batting a thousand at this point.
Taking the silver is Voyeurpapa. And while the site exists and the content functions, it is a weird place. First, I wouldn’t call it a tube. I’m not sure what the fuck I would call it but definitely not a tube. Its primary focus seems to be voyeurism. Who would have thought that based on the name? So Adultpornlist can’t even correctly identify what a tube site is, even when it’s in the title.
Coming in with the gold is Thegootube. Finally, we reach a decent tube site. They went ahead and saved the best for last. If you fuck up everything else, you at least have to get number one right. Boy, that would have been insane if they fucked up the most popular site on all of Adultpornlist… Oh, wait… It’s not fucking real?! God damn it. Three of the top five tube sites don’t exist, including number one. That’s pretty rough.
Clicking around the other categories, I can see this isn’t an isolated incident. Much of the site is full of fake filler. At the top of this article, I spoke about the sheer volume of porn on the digital landscape. There is no reason anyone should make up websites to fill these lists. In fact, it might be harder to come up with porn site names not already in use than it is to find some.
I’ll try to end on a positive note. Despite the crap filler, I’ll still give it to them that they didn’t copy-paste my finely curated lists. Honestly, though, maybe they should have. Also, while they snatched my boxy layout, they didn’t grab the overall look. Going with a dull grey was the right move to make. Alright, so maybe they should have stolen my look also. But at least they have a mascot.
They update the site regularly. I do not know how many of those updates include real websites, but perhaps quantity helps make up for quality. When you are making shit up, you can update every ten seconds if you want.
I did see a couple of websites worthy of mention that Adultpornlist managed to include. Places like Twistys, Casting couch, Tush, and some great subreddits. If a monkey sits at a typewriter long enough, he will pen Shakespeare.
There is certainly a lot of room for improvement on Adultpornlist. I can’t go through it all, but I know where to start: get real websites. Come on. At least don’t make shit up. That’s mean to all the horny dudes trying to jerk off out there.