I knew Upornia was going to be my kind of place just as soon as I heard the name. Throughout my whole life, I had the same kind of thoughts every time I heard anybody mention the very concept of a utopia. Surely, a perfect society would include a whole lot of dirty, depraved sex, right? It’s all hypothetical, so I’m sure it’s up for debate, but I know what I’d want in my dream world, and I have a feeling you’re with me. Who knows? Maybe one day mankind will finally establish that ideal civilization, but until then, this next site will give us all something to aspire to.
Upornia.com is a wildly popular free porno video tube. So popular, in fact, that I feel like I’m a little bit late to the party. They had about 70 million visitors stopping by with their dicks out last month, which makes them almost as popular as yours truly and this little smut review site I’ve got going. Well, it’s never too late to join a throng of horny masturbators, especially when you’re well stocked on lube. The UPS guy just dropped off a fresh barrel and a shipment of silicone buttholes, so let’s make use of these new toys as we see what’s on the menu here.
A Glorious Vision of a Perfect Society
According to Wikipedia, our old pal Plato was the first person to bring up the idea of a utopia. Nearly 2000 years later, Thomas More was another big proponent of this idealized society, positing some notions in his aptly titled golden book, Utopia. Upornia is a much newer concept, the domain registered back in 2014. That ain’t even a decade ago in real years, barely anything in the span of human history, but this is the internet we’re talking about now. At this point, ten years is practically an institution. Hell, they’ve been around long enough that there’s a good chance your grandpa has jacked off to this site.
And could you blame him? The layout’s nothing to jizz your pants about, but get a load of that content spread all over the front page like so much bukkake batter. They’re offering a killer range of adult content, covering all their bases from classic blowjob extravaganzas to lesbian shower scenes to ebony cheerleader orgies. There’s kinkier stuff than that even on the front page, which features ball-grabbing femdom, free-use glory hole scenarios and BBWs getting their fill of more than just food.
It ain’t a bunch of ugly randos doing all that fucking and sucking, either. Within moments of landing, I was seeing all kinds of famous pornstars, rising starlets and absolutely stunning amateurs. I hadn’t even left the front page before I spotted MILFs like Alura Jenson and Cherie DeVille, BBW pornstars like Lila Lovely, fetish models like Ezada Sinn, and A-list video whores like Abella Danger, Angela White and Riley Reid. I even spotted some of the girls I’ve given the talk and cock treatment to over at PornDudeCasting, like Sera Ryder, Alyx Star, Savannah Bond, and Anissa Kate.
I feel like I’m in good company, and I have a feeling you’ll be spotting some of your favorite babes, too. Upornia’s Pornstar section is well indexed, giving you a picture menu of their roster that you could probably beat off to on its own. There are so many free videos on the menu, though, that there’s no reason to settle for still photographs.
This Upornia is My Utopia
Upornia.com is such a massive porn site that I had a hard time digging all the way to the bottom of the stack. I kept tweaking the URL, trying to find the last page. It’s over 22,000 pages deep, which is fucking crazy. Assuming there are no repeats, there are over 1.3 million videos in the current stash. Honestly, I’m a little skeptical and wondering if they’re fudging the numbers somewhere, but I’m still impressed.
Given how quickly the library is growing, maybe that’s a legit number. They’re adding a steady stream of fresh content to the pile, night and day. I’ve been refreshing the front page periodically as I whip up this review, and there’s a nice little handful of fresh videos each and every single time I do so. I’m not sure exactly how they’re sourcing content, but holy fucking shit, they ain’t slacking.
With paysites, I’m happy when I see at least one update per week. Free tubes tend to update much faster, especially ones with as much traffic as Upornia. These guys are still doing better than I would expect for a free tube, even in terms of volume alone. It ain’t just the number of videos they’re adding that impresses me, though, but the runtimes as well.
Upornia.com has longer runtimes than your average free tube. It’s not strictly a full-length video site, as a fair number of today’s uploads clock in at under ten minutes, but most of them run significantly longer. Even in the short time I’ve been writing this review, they’ve added about a dozen flicks that are 40 minutes or longer. A few of them are well over an hour, making this a good place to settle in for a nice, long marathon fap. Remember that lube I mentioned in the intro? You’re going to need it!
If long movies are what you’re into, make sure to fuck around with Upornia.com’s Duration menu. Even if you set it to maximum 40+ minutes, you still end up with such a huge selection it’ll take you years to crank through the whole thing. They’ve got a beautifully designed system that’ll let you combine multiple tags with your preferred length, helping to narrow down the selection. Checking off the Anal and Cuckold boxes, I had a more manageable three pages of results to fap through. Looks like I’ve got my weekend planned out!
Fapping Away in My Perfect Upornia
For my official fap test of Upornia, I made my way back to the front page to check out what had been added in the last few minutes. The latest uploads included a 36-minute Evil Angel flick starring the lovely Maddy May, who I’d gotten to know quite well on the PornDudeCasting couch. I’ve been wet dreaming about her ever since, so naturally I couldn’t wait to see her in action again as soon I spotted her in the thumbnail.
Maddy appears on the screen in the flick’s opening moments, wearing a very nice, jewel-studded dress as she makes fuck-me faces at the camera. There’s some cheesy music in the background as she exposes her pierced nipples and then her ripe ass, getting the viewer all hard, drippy, and eager for more. By the time she’s flashing her well-manicured bush and the goods beneath, I could barely contain myself.
I skipped ahead a bit. Barely four minutes in, Maddy’s bobbing her head on a sophisticated gentleman’s cock. I actually didn’t realize this was a group scene until she turned around and started gargling on another one, reaching back to tug on dingdong number one. She’s an efficient multitasker, an asset in any office or on any porn set. I prefer the latter, for obvious reasons, and I think you will, too.
My only complaint is that the resolution looks a little low compared to what I’m used to, and there’s no way to adjust it. It doesn’t look like Super Nintendo or anything, but it ain’t 4K. Maddy’s a beautiful woman, so I wish I could see her in perfect clarity as she goes to town on these two very lucky gentlemen. The video quality ain’t bad enough to be a dealbreaker for most, but I’m not sure I could recommend the site if you’re watching on a big-ass screen.
At the end of the day, it’s a pretty trivial complaint, especially when we’re talking about such a huge, wide-ranging catalog of free porno movies. The massive selection and wealth of full-length features are Upornia.com’s biggest draws, and frankly, they’re some of the best draws a free tube can offer. With my adblocker running, I saw very little in the way of spam, and those skinny banner ads ain’t going to interfere with your fap session. This one’s an easy recommendation for cheapskates looking for plenty of variety and plenty of porno.