Casino Purple! You are all complete fucking degenerates! I bet the scant seconds of the day you’re not squeezing cum out of your dick are few and far between. The idea of taking a palm off your cock for even a second sounds like hell to you. What else could add spice to this miserable existence but the constant pleasure of cock rubbing?
Sure, there are activities like eating or watching sports, but in the end, I’m only eating because my cock needs the calories. Sports only gets turned on to get me through my refractory periods. Nothing hits the spot like a solid jerk.
I’ve hunted for similar thrills, but the world lacks room for more than one ultimate pleasure. I should be happy I get to be blessed with the tip of my dick. Humans could have been cursed to reproduce asexually. What fresh new hell every day that would be. I will always be grateful for what I do have.
Masturbation’s Closest Competition
While it’s not cumming, one activity can jockey for position near the right hand on my balls. It’s an ancient tradition of man that has been practiced for thousands if not tens of thousands of years. It’s a little thing called gambling.
Why does gambling feel so good? Because life is no fun without risk. Man no longer has to put his life on the line to get a bite to eat. Cheetahs don’t hunt you down while you get in line for ice cream. Regardless, humans still crave that thrill that putting money on the line delivers.
As technology developed, so did gambling. No longer do you have to wade into a drove of suckers as sad as yourselves just to play a slot machine. Now you can visit Casinopurple and lose it all from the comfort of your couch.
Launched in 2020 by Multisoft gaming, Casinopurple isn’t the first website to make gambling available online. Shit, it’s not even the ten-thousandth. That’s how evolution happens, though, and these guys have evolved with the times.
The website design is simple, sweet, and similar to most other online casinos. There is a large, scrolling banner up top advertising different games featured. And below that is a wall of various options.
A menu is provided to help you search out games you want to play. They are split into Slot, Instant, Blackjack, Poker, Table, Baccarat, and Roulette. It’s nearly everything you find in a physical casino.
Bonus Bucks
You have to create a login before you can start making the big bucks. Casinopurple knows you’re going to need it, so they offer deposit bonuses. Your first deposit has to be at least 25 euros, but they will give you a 200% welcome bonus of up to 2500 euro. That’s doing the Lord’s work.
That money doesn’t come without some caveats. You must wager the amount of your bonus at least twenty times. And compared to what other online casinos make you do for a bonus, this isn’t bad. If you suck at gambling (I bet you do) and lose it all, they will give you 30% cashback.
If you have been a Casinopurple customer for a while, you can also get 10 percent cash back every day if your deposit is lost. Purple is doing its best to keep you on the gambling floor. They even have some weekly specials. Every deposit you make on Friday can receive a 50% bonus, and three times a day on Monday, you can get 20% bonuses.
Nothing could be better than free money. You will have to gamble it and turn it into winnings if you want to withdraw it, but let’s be honest, you were going to keep gambling your winnings anyway. You might as well do it on their dime.
Casinopurple does not have the most extensive collection of games ever amassed online. There’s enough that you’re sure to find a few that you like, though. There are video slot options along with your usual poker, blackjack, and roulette, but a bulk of the options are rips of popular smartphone games. You’ll find shit imitating fruit ninja and the like. And I must admit, I’m not familiar with many phone apps that don’t involve tight pussy and open mouths.
You may recognize that some of the games are copying old-school shit like Ecco the dolphin and tanks. This is where I found myself most able to make a little dough. I still had the muscle memory built in from being a kid. I was sure the only muscle memories I had involved vigorous up and down hand motions.
Demos for You Fools
If you’re unsure about any particular game, the site has demos for everything. No need to put your money on the line before you know how to play a game. Not that you wouldn’t have cash, these bitches are throwing money at you if you agree to keep gambling.
Are you a complete fucking idiot? Let me rephrase that; you’re a complete fucking idiot. Your brain is packed with hentai and scat porn. There’s no room for roulette rules or the number-crunching involved in poker. There’s no way you have the subtle hand-eye coordination to play fruit ninja. You haven’t picked up a video game since the first time you saw a Victoria secret. Don’t worry; Casinopurple has you covered.
The instant category is full of games that take no skill or know-how. You can stumble your way into money without a lick of effort. Heads or tails is boring as fuck until your life savings are wrapped up in it. To be honest with you guys, I lost a shit ton of money on heads or tails. Fortunately, I’m not a quitter and made it all back the next day. That would not have been possible without Casinopurple hooking up my empty account.
Instant Gratification
The instant page is also where you can find some scratch-off card options. I’m a bit of a lottery hound, so this is one of my favorite sections of the site. I don’t always want to haul myself to a gas station and talk to the fat bitch behind the counter. She wants my cock so bad I have to hand her cash with a ten-foot pole.
It’s 1999, and I’ve got time to blow because porn takes half a day to download on dial-up. I can’t just twiddle my thumbs as I don’t want to wear out my hand muscles before I get to beating. There was one option and one option only back then, Mine Sweeper. We all pretended we did, but none of us knew how to play. That doesn’t matter at all, though, because this shit is nothing like a minefield. None of your skills will transfer over at all. Hopefully, some of the Casinopurple money will transfer to you instead.
Now that you blew up all your money playing with explosives, it’s time to make a deposit. Casinopurple accepts a wide array of payment methods. No online casino wants to make giving them money difficult. These payment methods include major credit cards, Astropay, Ecobanq, Ban Contact, Epay, EPS, and the list goes on. A massive draw for a lot of gamblers out there is being able to use crypto. Crypto glosses over having to mess with bank transfers and withdraw bullshit. As you know, I’m not good with numbers or technical shit, so I appreciate using magic internet money.
There’s no lack of online casinos in the world, and each has its flair and style of play. The Casinopurple is an excellent amalgamation of everything that’s out there. They plucked a bit from here and a bit from there to put together an enjoyable gambling experience.
Purple has one of the most generous bonus bucks setups in all of casinodom. Even if you entirely run out of dough, you still have opportunities to make your money back. I made use of this offer several times. I should stop playing heads or tails.
If the world-famous sands casino isn’t still around, then no casino is impervious to a fault.
Purple’s game selection could use an injection. If you frequent the site regularly, you may find yourself wishing for more variety. Frank Sinatra won’t be around to entertain you if you get bored.
Casinopurple is no porn site, but it’s the next best thing. When my endorphins get going after a big win, my cock gets rock hard. Maybe if I win a million, my wife will put her mouth on my peter for once.