Casumo has been around since 2012, and they’ve managed to build up quite a following. Nearly 20,000 visitors are coming by every day, which is saying a lot considering how difficult this site is to masturbate to. Of course, I wouldn’t be talking about it here at ThePornDude if it wasn’t relevant. It may not be porn, but gambling is a vice too, right?
Casumo.com is an online casino and betting parlor with a goofy name, but I can’t complain about goofy names because I’ve already jerked off to Brazzers and xHamster today. What’s in a name, anyway? I’m pretty sure Shakespeare said something about gambling in an online casino by any other name, or some shit like that. I don’t know, man, I was reading Hustler back in English class, but I have learned a thing or two about pulling a handle all day long, over and over again. Today, it’s going to be the lever on a virtual slot machine instead of my usual turgid meat stick.
Get Your VPN Ready or Don’t Live in the USA
Before I get started, I should point out that Casumo isn’t exactly American-friendly. I had mixed results even connecting to the site at first, initially being told by their servers the front page didn’t even exist. After some refreshing and device-swapping, the site loaded fine, but I ran into a roadblock in the signup phase.
“You may be accessing Casumo from a restricted territory,” the screen told me after I’d run through the basic setup questions. “If not, make sure you’re not using a VPN and try again.” I kind of assumed this was going to happen, which is why I lied about my address in the first place. I tried again, this time using a VPN with a Canadian server, and was able to complete the registration just fine.
This isn’t uncommon. In the past week, Casumo.com is the third online casino I’ve visited that wasn’t licensed for American gamblers and locked them out by default. You can get your panties in a bunch about it, but it’s one of the signs you’re dealing with a legit casino when they’re blocking you out. It’s because they want to play by all those goddamn rules and regulations, so they don’t get shut down.
If you do end up using a VPN to use Casumo, you’re gambling in more ways than one. It’s potentially a violation of their Terms of Service, which means they might close your account and confiscate your winnings if they catch on. That said, I think it’s funny and transparent how quick some of these guys are to tell you to use a VPN. They seem to want your business, whether they’re licensed to take it or not. If you’re on a VPN, it’s not really their problem or their responsibility to track you down.
Casumo takes multiple currencies and payment methods. If you are using a VPN, I recommend using one of their compatible services that works with bitcoin, like Ecopayz or MuchBetter. In general, crypto frees you from much of the identity verification bullshit you have to work through if you’re using credit cards or bank transfers. For those of you who are still confused about VPNs, I’ve got a whole section of the Best VPN Sites here at ThePornDude, with a lot of helpful info to get you started.
How ‘Bout Them Bonuses, Huh?
Right off the bat, Casumo.com offers some big-ass bonuses to new players. Before you even start entering your info in the signup area, they ask whether you’re going to be playing in the casino first or betting on sports. Casino players get 20 free spins and a $500 extra bonus, while sports betters get a 100% deposit bonus up to $250. I’m a sucker for those first-deposit bonuses, though I can’t help noticing the fine print on the casino bonus: “Bonuses must be wagered 30 times.”
Stipulations or not, those are some sweet offers, and they’ve got some other shit to entice newbies over from some of the competitors. For one thing, there are no processing fees, so there’s nothing extra tacked onto your deposits or withdrawals. That tells me that most of their users are probably using crypto, because it’s just cheaper to work with since you cut out a lot of the middlemen.
Another thing that tells me most Casumo users gamble with crypto is their fast payment processing. They do a review that could take up to 72 hours but is usually much faster, and then your money is available either instantly or in up to 5 days, depending on what kind of method you’re using. The Ecopayz and MuchBetter options are instant, so I’m telling you, it’s all about that BTC. Why do shit the old-timey way and waste time?
Thousands of Games to Win or Waste Money On
Casumo was an online casino before they started taking bets on sports, so I figured I’d start in the games area of the site first. It’s a little overwhelming, but in a good way: they’ve got over 2000 games to choose from. It looks like you’re going to be on that bathroom break for a while, so just tell your boss you ate some bad sushi.
Like other casinos, in the real world and on the Internet, the bulk of the games at Casumo are slot machines. The list seems to scroll on forever, with very few of the boring old fruit machines your grandparents used to play. It’s hard not to appreciate all the creativity, letting you gamble with pirates, Vikings, pandas and knock-off Lara Crofts, plus lowriders, Asian caricatures that are probably racist, and an absolute fucking ton of Western-themed slots.
The selection of Jackpot games is also pretty goddamn deep, with a similar plethora of themes. Win jackpots on Mount Olympus, in the pyramids of the pharaohs, in elven woods or the sands of the Arabian desert. It’s kind of like the slot themes lean toward funny characters who might have pockets stuffed with gold, while the jackpot themes lean toward exotic locales to find treasure.
There are fewer table games than the slots and jackpots menus, but that’s just because they stick to the classic formats. You still get a few dozen options, with variations on blackjack, roulette, hold’em and baccarat. You know, like the actual table games you see in actual casinos. I can practically smell the cigarette smoke and twelve-dollar Bud Lights.
Oh, but speaking of actual casinos, Casumo also has a live casino that brings you closer to the real experience. They’ve actually got more live games than the fully computerized table games, which makes sense because they’re inherently better. If you’ve got a live version of roulette available, it seems like you wouldn’t settle for the non-live version unless you just hate people. Hey, don’t let me hold you back!
Why Not Bet on Some Sports While You’re At It?
The newest section of Casumo.com lets you bet on a variety of sports around the world. Right now, the selection includes soccer, hockey, basketball, tennis, baseball, golf, and a few others, including esports. The different Live views show you things like Money Line, Spread and Total Points, updated in real-time for accuracy and thrills.
Just looking at the lists of sports and events, Casumo’s sports betting area seems a little bit slim compared to what you’d find on dedicated betting sites like SportsBetting and BetUS. The tradeoff is in overall gambling choices. While the websites I mentioned have better sports options, their casino offerings aren’t as rich as what you’ll find here.
Ultimately, I’d say that well-rounded collection is Casumo.com’s greatest strength. Their betting options may feel a little lackluster compared to some of the other options out there, but the overall number of ways to gamble will definitely keep you busy for a while, provided you don’t run out of tokens to drop into the machine. There’s even an app available for iOS or Android to simplify it even more. As always, the rules of responsible gambling apply; if you start running out of cash, considering spending thirty bucks or so on a premium porn subscription instead, since it’ll give you unlimited thrills all month without any risk. (I’ve got a ton of them reviewed around here.)