Much of human action is inspired by two emotions: Arousal and fear. It makes complete sense. The whole point of our existence is to fuck and make more humans, so of course, wanting to fuck would be on our minds all day. Furthermore, it’s tough to fuck if you’re torn to pieces by a bear while wandering the rugged forests of the northeastern United States. So you better keep your head on a swivel if you ever want to dip your dong into a danky snatch ever again.
Ahh! Real Boners!
You may have noticed that horror films take advantage of the potency of arousal and fear by intertwining the two where ever possible. What slasher or witchcraft movie is complete without someone throwing a party while their parents are gone, where everyone is making out just before the power cuts? Viscera and pussy juice is like bacon and eggs.
The only thing horror movies get wrong is the balance between arousal and fear. They hang too hard on the fear. That’s why I much prefer horror porn. Sure, I want to see some dude fall into a wood chipper, but I don’t want it to get in the way of people fucking. Can you fuck a bitch once she’s been through a woodchipper? I guess if Jason Biggs can fuck a warm apple pie in “American Pie,” James Deen could fuck a viscous pile of fetid human remains.
Many sites across the digital landscape will meet your horror porn expectations, but they won’t fly over them. When humans look too hard for something, I’ve noticed that they miss what’s right under their noses. You don’t need some particular niche site to watch good horror porn. You just need Porn Hub.
Hey, guys. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Porn Hub does a lot right. They’ve been in the game forever and have hundreds of millions of dollars supporting them. They better be doing something right.
Dickstory in the Making
Pornhub was started by web developer Matt Keezer and released in May 2007. Around three years later, Mr. Keezer sold it to what would become Mindgeek for enough money to choke a donkey. No one has to worry about Matt. The man is set for life, pending he doesn’t have a gambling problem.
By 2009 Pornhub and its other MindGeek affiliates had inspired over one hundred million individual men to grab their dicks and spank them. I bet those numbers have your mouth watering and your balls swelling.
In 2013 they introduced “Pornhub Select,” which read the mind of porn watchers and created lists of suggested content. This culminated in the service you receive today. You don’t even need to log in. Just let Pornhubs cookies point you in the right direction.
Next up was using Artificial intelligence to catalog tags for every video on the site. Considering how many videos are posted on Porn Hub, that would be an all but impossible task for humans alone to perform. Fortunately, computers can make quick work of it these days.
Porn Hub has broken a lot of ground over the years, and now many of its developments have become standard practice for porn sites everywhere. However, today we are focusing on their horror content, of which there is plenty.
I’m sure you motherfuckers are familiar with how Porn Hub works. If not, how the fuck did you find me before discovering Porn Hub? If you aren’t, I already did a review where you can get all of the fine details. I’m going to focus on content for this review.
Zombie Care and Fake Molestation
With that said, let’s scroll around the horror section of Porn Hub and see what we find. The first thing to grab my attention is “My Pet is a Zombie, and I Teach Her How to Fuck,” produced by Alex Garcia Porn.
Alex keeps a sexy yet dirty and bloody zombie in his basement. One might think that’s an awfully dumb and high-risk thing to have in your basement, and I would agree if it weren’t for the fact that he fucks the zombie. It really changes things.
I’d like to say that even if I could fuck a zombie, I wouldn’t keep a zombie in the house, but I’m not in the habit of lying to myself. I’d risk it all to have my own zombie sex doll to fuck anytime I wanted.
The question is, how do you fuck the zombie without becoming a zombie yourself? Step one is a strong leash. If she gets more than a bit frisky, you want to be able to back your penis away quickly and without fear of her giving chase.
The second is some raw chicken. You need to keep your zombie’s mouth busy while you plow your cock into her purifying holes; otherwise, she’s liable to take a chunk out of your leg.
Once the leash is secure and your zombie is happily consuming chicken parts, you can approacher the vagina. This is best done from behind while your zombie is on her hands and knees. Fortunately, this is the position they naturally take when eating something from the ground.
Give it a couple of prods with your fingers to ensure she’s still adequately distracted. At that point, your penis can carefully approach the clitoral landing zone.
Once inside, don’t get too comfortable. Any number of things could startle the zombie, causing her to attack whatever is nearby, AKA your penis.
Mr. Garcia has earned his master’s certificate in Zombie husbandry. Do you know how I know? Because he is confident enough in his training abilities to let his zombie suck his dick. That’s the ultimate faith in yourself.
Not even I would put everything on the line like that. Losing my cock would be like a pianist losing his hands or a sprinter losing his feet. My life would fall apart.
If you’re looking to get into zombie care and fake molestation, “My Pet is a Zombie, and I Teach Her How to Fuck” is the perfect place to start.
Shooting Robo Ropes
Next up, we have Pure Taboo’s “Deprived Fertility Treatments for Desperate Woman.” Not many Pornos come with an Edgar Allen Poe quote on the back, but this one does. “Men have called me mad, but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence.”
Alina Lopez and her husband, Tommy Pistol, have been trying to get pregnant for years, but nothing is working. The two are getting desperate, and it’s drawing a rift in their relationship. Alina no longer thinks Tommy is trying his best, which upsets her.
One day, after another failed meeting with a fertility doctor, Alina finds a flyer on her windshield advertising the services of a doctor who guarantees successful implantation.
Tommy is not a fan of visiting this Doctor. I’m not a fan of any doctor that leaves notes on people’s windshields. It’s not exactly a traditional advertising method for the medical profession.
However, after much arguing and screaming, Alina vetoes Tommy’s concerns and visits the Doctor all by herself.
Some of Alina’s nerves go away when she discovers that the Doctor is an attractive female named Dr. White. Doctor White is experimenting with a new fertility treatment that uses synthetic sperm. It’s not yet approved by the Food and Drug Administration, but that’s right around the corner.
It sounds risky, but Alina is desperate to have a child, so she agrees to do everything the Doctor wants. Unfortunately, Alina is about to discover her husband was right. Perhaps flyers aren’t the best way to find doctors.
Five Long Years He Wore This Watch Up His Ass
Of the many studios producing Porn Hub’s horror porn videos, perhaps the best is Pure Taboo. These guys have mastered the art of creating scary and arousing porn that will have your penis confused but erect.
Do you think you’ve experienced post-nut guilt before? Trying cumming to a Japanese prisoner-of-war-themed gang bang. You’ll give yourself PTSD. I don’t believe real vets will quite understand why you spend so much time at the memorial.
When you cum to The Thing getting its (carpet?) munched by Bree Daniels, you’ll question your whole life up to this point. Have you been wanting to jerk off to play-doh this entire time? You wasted so much money on porn subscriptions.
No matter what type of porn you’re looking for, Porn Hub has a massive supply of it, so it’s no wonder their horror porn section is well stocked with shit to make your erection scream cum into your underwear.
I’ve always had one major complaint about Porn Hub. I wish the videos came with descriptions. I understand that, at this point, it would be a difficult undertaking, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be appreciated.
Porn Hub always has what a man needs to sling ropes. They make finding horror porn fun and easy.