Sex is a tough subject for my readers. The urge to have it is so strong, yet access is so distant. As you can imagine, it’s difficult for me to empathize with this kind of issue, so I crafted a thought experiment to help me connect with guys.
Putting Myself in Your Blue Balls
In my thought experiment, I imagine being locked in a room containing only a TV. That TV plays cooking shows twenty-four seven, but no food is ever delivered. In the meantime, when I get hungry, I can press a button, and a mist enters the room that makes me less hungry but doesn’t actually feed me.
Then I picture being locked in that room for thirty years. How would I feel about food at that point? Would I know how to eat? If offered a sandwich, would I swallow it in one bite? Even worse, would I turn it down and return to my room?
That’s basically where you guys are at with sex. The urge to unload your wad deep inside a bitches pussy is so overwhelming, but the best you can do is spill your seed onto a couch cushion.
Trick the Dick
Many of you have given up on trying to fuck, and instead are searching for ways to make the masturbation experience more realistic. Realistic means different things to different people.
Some men take it all the way, buy a sex doll, and treat it like a living human. This is the worst-case virgin scenario. Nothing is sadder than watching some nerdy virgin chat with an inanimate object about Pokemon. As an alpha male, I’m not one to cry, but seeing a fellow man embarrass himself like that is too much to watch. And that’s coming from a guy who has watched a thing or two in his life.
I’ve seen a bitch break a bottle off in her pussy. I’ve seen a guy let ants crawl up his dick shaft. I’ve even seen a couple have sex in an overflowing septic tank. Yet, none of those events were as disturbing to me as watching a full-grown adult male treat a giant barbie doll like his wife.
There is a happy medium where men can squeeze some more reality out of their masturbation experience without degrading themselves to such an apocalyptic degree. The first thing that comes to mind is, of course, the pocket pussy.
My hand has never let me down when it comes to stroking my jimmy john up and down. Every time I send them back into the trenches, they get the job done. They are tireless in their mission to make the cum fire out of my cock.
However, they are still only hands. They are limited by the nature of their anatomy. Your hands aren’t purpose-built to grab your cock. They’re multipurpose tools that happen to be able to jerk you off.
A Fleshlight, on the otherhand, was crafted for the express purpose of making you cum. The synthetic materials used in its construction massage the penis into ecstasy. Try as they might, your hands can’t keep up with pussy tech.
Jerking the Fourth Wall
Another option for you is to watch point-of-view porn. POV porno is shot from the viewer’s perspective, putting you in the driver’s seat of a stunt cock.
Your cock is a miserable little thing, but when you’re watching POV porn, your cock becomes the hero of the story. Why look down at your real member when you can look down the screen at a real man’s dick.
POV porn started blowing up almost ten years ago. In the subsequent decade, camera tech has turned it into one of the most popular genres on any site. That means the market is flooded. Everywhere you turn, you’ll find some POV shit.
Unfortunately, much of it is straight garbage. If you want to get your grubby little dick grabbers on the good stuff, you better hit Straight Aebn. They have a massive selection of almost any genre, but their POV library is particularly outstanding.
Straight Aebn is a pay-by-the-minute porn site. It gives you access to paid premium quality content without having to worry about a monthly bill. On Straight Aebn, you only pay for what you use. I know it doesn’t take you motherfuckers long to bust a nut, so why bother paying full price?
Turn to Page 69
In the past, I’ve reviewed the site as a whole, so I’m going to dive right into some content, starting with “Resort of Lust and Luxury,” starring Charon White, Shalina Devine, Alexa Flexy, and Kitana Lure and produced by Life Selector.
Life selector ups the realism of their POV porn by turning the videos into a choose-your-own-adventure book. For those that don’t recall their childhood, choose-your-own-adventure books let readers control the narrative by making choices for the characters and turning to the corresponding page to see how you affected the story. The difference is that with Life Selector, you choose scenes instead of pages. Oh, yeah. Plus, it’s porn. Unfortunately, you can’t buy porn at the Scholastic book fair.
In this feature, you’re working under Alexa as a luxury spa and resort employee. Since you began, your life has changed immensely. Only the richest and sexiest milfs ever come to this spa, and they have precisely zero morals. They take what they want, and often what they want is you.
There are several jobs available for you to work at the spa. If you like, you can be the massage therapist that helps Sharon White work the knots out of her back and, eventually, her pussy. I’ve always heard that the best way to relax tight muscles is through copious orgasms.
Sharon gives you reign over her whole body, and you take full advantage. What starts as a little oral and hand play blooms into a wet and messy fuck fest as you bone her in missionary, reverse cowgirl, and standing positions.
Downward Doggy Style
If massage isn’t your bag, you can be the yoga instructor. Something all rich white bitches have in common is a passion for yoga. These bitches have to keep their bodies tight, so their rich husbands don’t divorce them for a woman half their age.
You run the best class in the resort, so it’s always full. That’s why you offer private lessons to some of the more “skilled” ladies. In this case, that “skilled lady” is Shalina Devine.
Shalina has been eyeing you since class started, and it’s unlikely that it has anything to do with inner peace. This bitch is looking at you like you’re a piece of meat.
After class, you invite Shalina to stay and work on her body mechanics. The best way for you to see if Shalina is doing anything wrong is for her to get naked. She has no problem with that, and before long, you are guiding her from position to position with nothing but your penis.
Wet Pussy
Massaging bitches and teaching yoga classes can be tiring. Perhaps you would rather act as the swim instructor. All these bitches already know how to swim, so it’s a pretty easy gig. Plus bitches arrive looking good in their finest swimsuits.
Kitana Lure hopes you’ll help her work on her backstroke. She already knows how to swim, but Kitana is hoping that the help of a big strong man will blah blah blah. It’s all bullshit. The only thing Kitana wants to do is ride your cock.
Before you can do much instructing, Kitana pulls the weiner out of your trunks and starts sucking on it. Suddenly swimming is the last thing on your mind.
Kitana is a dirty little girl and does a little bit of everything with you. There is oral sex, hand jobs, pussy fucking, spanking, and cum swallowing. While you can fuck her poolside or on the patio, my favorite place is right in the pool.
Cleaning the Pool and Draining my Tool
The thing about massage therapy, yoga teaching, and swim instructing is that they take skills, and you guys don’t have any skills. So if we are going for realism here, the idea that you have any skills will take you right out of the moment.
That’s why I recommend the fourth scene to my readers since it has you playing the pool cleaner. Pool cleaners are classic victims of rich milf pussy. This scene stars Alexa Flexy and Angelica Heart. If you haven’t seen Alexa Flexy do her thing before, do yourself a favor and watch this video.
You guys will never be blessed by the touch of a real pussy, so make your porn experience as authentic as possible on Straight Aebn. They have an enormous selection of POV porn that will keep you beating your meat for hours.
There isn’t much to complain about on Straight Aebn. The only thing it’s missing is an unlimited minutes subscription. I can never have enough minutes, so I’d love to be able to go unlimited.
If you can’t have actual sex, then pretend you are on Straight Aebn.