I love milfs, you love milfs, we all live milfs. There are so many reasons to love milfs, that it’s hard to create a list. Ever since Jennifer Coolidge played her iconic milf role as Stiflers Mom in the hit teen movie American Pie, men have been obsessed with attractive older ladies.
It Had to Start Somewhere
Did Jennifer Coolidge ever create an OnlyFans account? If not, she is missing out on millions. She might be more of a GILF now, but there is an audience for that also. Plus, I think a lot of men would join out of principle regardless.
One could say that American Pie was also the influence for the creation of the Fleshlight. After witnessing that one dude cram his cock into a warm apple pie, teenagers everywhere got it into their heads to try fucking anything soft. As a result, there are many defiled stuffed animals crying on their therapist’s shoulder as we speak. Their stuffing is crusty and seams torn to shreds.
But that’s a topic for another day. Today we focus on Milfs. Some of you might have them. It would help to explain some of your abhorrent behavior. But remember, “explain” is not the same word as “excuse.” I don’t care how hot your mom is. If you want to bang her, you’re fucked up in the head.
However, I’m pretty sure that most of you have busted-ass moms that look like trolls, orcs, and or goblins. It requires two ugly and unfuckable parents to create creatures such as yourselves. You fuckers don’t just grow out of the ground in a vacuum. You are the product of your environment.
Getting You Fucks Laid
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, but milfs can represent the shortest route from not fucking pussy to fucking pussy. To describe milfs as horny is an understatement. These bitch’s hormones are going wild. Their most base urges are rising to the surface and demanding attention. They want dick. No. They need dick. They require it to keep on living.
When it reaches a point of desperation, that’s when guys like you can slip in and make yourselves available. Bitches know that you’re not the best option. The key is that you make yourself the only option.
Though easier than fucking a younger lady, you losers will still struggle to get the job done. Regardless, I’ll tell you the next step you can make that may inspire you to make a fundamental change in your life. If you find the right milf and provide her with the right dick, she could become your sugar mama.
I know you’re familiar with the concept of a sugar mama because, as it stands now, your mom is your sugar mama. As sad of a state of affairs as that is, it’s the cold hard truth. Imagine how awesome it would be to have a sugar mama you don’t share genetics with.
The Steps to Sex
I know you motherfuckers are dumb, so I’ll need to spell out the step-by-step process to go from basement dwelling to living the high life. Step one is jerking off to milfs on XMilf.
Everyone knows the old adage “practice makes perfect,” and Xmilf is how you’re going to get your reps in. You need your penis to familiarize itself with the nature of the milf. You must become one with the milf. Before you can fuck the milf, you must be the milf.
Plus, we need you to numb yourself to the hot milf, so you don’t cum before you’ve had the chance to cross her threshold. I know you guys have a lot of built-up cum clogging up your works. So we have to make sure all that stuck cum isn’t in the driver’s seat of your balls.
What makes XMilf the ideal place to perform this task? First and foremost, it’s loaded with more boner-inspiring milfs than you could ever hope to make use of. They feature every brand of milf, from wholesome kitchen slut to nasty bedroom vixen and everything in between.
They have young mothers who still look like they need a mother themselves, and they have older experienced mothers ready to teach you a thing or two about sex. These bitches used to have to walk twenty miles through the snow and rain to get some dick back in the day.
The wide variety of sluts on XMilf allows you to figure out what your favorite brand is. While it’s ok to know what your favorite flavor is, don’t get laser-focused on it. You need to keep your options open. It’s not like you’re a great catch. “Settle” is the name of your game for this mission.
You guys are going to need to save some money up to take these bitches out on dates, so you’ll be happy to know that XMilf is a free porn tube. Enjoy all the milf porn your shrunken little heart could desire for the low, low price of nothing. Even you unemployed sacks of shit can afford nothing.
The Perfect Training Ground
I understand that watching videos can only get you so close to the real thing. Fortunately, XMilf will take you right to the edge with its high-def pixel density. It’s so good that you’ll feel like you’re a part of the action. You might even start to smell the pussy in the air.
While there is plenty of mindless pumping on XMilf, there are also some realistic scenarios portrayed that you could actually find yourself in. Situations like meeting a milf at the dog park or while at work. These are the types of situations you need to be prepared for before they happen.
You dumb motherfuckers are not quick on your toes in the least. You’re the exact fucking opposite: slow on your fingers. That means you need a plan and script to go from hello to fuck hole. Don’t rely on luck. Only skill is going to get your dick wet, gents.
The question is no longer if you should be using XMilf. It’s how easy it will be to use when you do. XMilf has a classic porn tube design you will find familiar and easy to navigate. If you guys can work Pornhub, then you can work XMilf.
User Instructions
The main menu resides up at the top of the site and contains the options Home, Search bar, History, Watch later, Profile, Videos, Porn stars, Channels, Categories, Our friends, and a link to your favorite porn site review specialist.
Below the menu are several rows of popular free porn videos. The listing can be switched from popular porn to the top-rated or most recently released.
Continuing down, we come upon some advertising for “tube friends.” This includes great sites such as BDSMX, In Porn, Porn Top, VXXX, and Black Porn Tube.
Next up is a master list of the most popular categories on XMilf. This includes such hits as HD, Big tits, Big ass, Big cock, Deep Throat, Cum shot, Old and young, Interracial, Step fantasy, Hand job, Group sex, Teens, Gang bang, and Spooning.
The penultimate item on the front page is a list of the most popular porn stars on XMilf. You’ll see a great mix of names you recognize and those you don’t. Some of my favorite bitches are here, including Korina Kova, Brianna Beach, Bettie Bondage, Ella Knox, Dani Daniels, Anissa Kate, and Sophia Leone.
The last thing displayed on the front page is a list of popular milf searches. There is some fun shit in here such as Triple anal, Anal squirt, Big ass double penetration, What a fuck, Creamy solo, Long nipple, Helping mom, Pissing in mouth, and Indian boy. People get up to some interesting things on XMilf, if you couldn’t tell.
If you want some content suggestions, I have them. Number one is to check out Korina Kova if you haven’t heard of her. Even if you don’t end up liking her, she is worth laying eyes on. She doesn’t even look real. Korina has the body of a real-life anime character. Her tits and ass are ridiculous, and her waist is comparatively tiny. This bitch is a sex doll if I’ve ever seen one. I’m still not convinced Korina isn’t a cartoon.
One of my grand goals in life, besides spoon-feeding you the best porn in the world, is getting a few of my readers laid. I hope this can start you on a journey to just that. XMilf has a wonderful selection of milf porn that will have your penis firing ropes like Batman’s grappling gun.
I think XMilf sells itself a bit short with the site’s title. While it’s definitely milf focused, they actually have a range of content. As I mentioned earlier, there are even teens here. They should find a way to advertise that fact.
Gents, it’s time for your training to begin. I believe in you. Now go out there and make me proud.